Tale of Told Feelings

This is the story of how I caught feelings for my friend/roommate and told him. I was getting ready for a CupcakKe concert at the Revel in Albuquerque, New Mexico. When we were getting ready, we pre-gamed for the concert, and I drank before I started getting ready. Our outfits were so good. I wore a white shirt with tiny holes all over it with black cargo pants and my black-and-white Nike dunks. He wore a cream-colored tank top with green cargo pants with a headband full of designs. The way he dressed and everything about him was making me like him more. Everything was pushing me to a point to act on my feelings, even though it could turn out for the worse.

After we got done getting ready, we called an Uber. While on the way to the venue he was talking to the driver. My interest increased. We went inside and got a table before CupcakKe came out. He went to get us drinks while I saved our table. When he came back, we waited a while until we finished our drinks and made our way to the front of the stage. He held my hand all the way to the stage so I wouldn’t get lost or left behind. In that moment, I felt weird but at the same time I liked it. It felt weird because I never had anyone else hold my hand while leading me somewhere and I don’t let anyone touch me or hold my hand. My feelings were reaching a boiling point.

CupcakKe came out and we were excited and sang our hearts out. The way he was dancing was wild and the way he moved with every beat of the song and his voice was making my emotions run high. The concert was over, and we were high on adrenaline. It felt like nothing could stop us—the lights, the music, the adrenaline, the dopamine. Everything was flowing and cruising and now was the time to just give in to the feelings. I built up the courage to tell him how I felt.

When we went outside for the Uber. I pulled him to the side of the curb, and I grabbed his hands and pulled him in close and I told him how I felt. I explained how I had a crush on him. That, combined with the night, made it the time when I needed to follow through. I explained how his holding my hand was the ultimate sign; I needed to get it off my chest. As I poured out my desire for him, he grabbed his hands back. His face fell and he couldn’t look at me. His face was full of disdain. Things quickly became weird and awkward.

We got in the Uber and on the way back it was just quiet and very awkward. Silence left me to spend time in my head. I felt weird and I didn’t want to be around him. After I told him, I felt a huge relief lifted off my chest, but our friendship was lost. This is usually why I don’t tell people how I feel because I’m a very honest person when it comes to things like this. I keep asking myself the same question, “What if I didn’t tell him? Would it still be fine between us? Would we still be friends?” I’m glad that I told him because it would have just stayed in my heart and my feelings for him would have just died. Immediately after we got back to campus, I knew I couldn’t stay in my room or around him—especially after his face was full of disgust and disdain.

After I told him, the last few weeks of the semester were horrible, so I avoided my dorm room because of the regret of my decision to express my love for him and his rejection of that love I confessed. He is usually in the room the whole day and I don’t want to be suffocated by the awkwardness and the still air between us and my stupid love for him. When I see him in the room or out on campus he just gives me the cold shoulder and doesn’t want to talk to me. I am very self-critical and take things to heart. The first week was hard because it was awkward, and I was asking myself why I told him. I was so sad and angry at myself because I told him how I felt, and I was crying most of the week because I ruined our friendship.

After I told him I have been making new friends and talking to people. I went to a Christmas event for white people with my new friends. At that Christmas event I experienced new pastries and saw this hot Santa Claus. I have been doing things outside my comfort zone. I went rock climbing, and it was a scary experience. But I had fun with my friends that went, and it also kept me distracted. I don’t like going to the casino, but I just decided to go and when I went, I won $70. If I’m bored in the evening, I ask my friends if we can go for a late-night cruise around town. Driving around listening to music is a good and relaxing thing to do. When I think about the question, “Why did I tell him?” I just look back at the fun and cool things I did. I’m getting better slowly. I’m getting there.